she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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