Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
