fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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