The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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