if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize