I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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