Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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