I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
