so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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