I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
