Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Your cock deserves a montage
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
