my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
