We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Two words: blizzard sex
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
