We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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