well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
