i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
