I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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