That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
