I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
