awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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