So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
