If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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