Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize