Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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