I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
