so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
