tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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