dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
