I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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