you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
we should paint friendship bongs
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
