I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
you would pick up someone in the library
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
