I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
