I look better un-naked...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
