If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
