this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
