The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
She's the barista slut.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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