The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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