They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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