I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
