I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
