areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
