Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
