she smelled like a LAN party
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
