Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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