so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
