I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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