the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
