What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
