And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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