everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
