oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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