she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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