She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
